
Strengths and Weaknesses

Your Simpsons character
Like the iconic shopkeeper Jeff Albertson, this user is a hyper-niche obsessive who pairs high-brow intellectualism with a deeply cynical, gatekeeping attitude. He oscillates between grandiose theological debates, asserting that “the doctrine of absolute divine simplicity is heresy”, and lamenting his social isolation, admitting “i only do online shopping, i got social anxiety”. His tendency to dismiss entire groups as inferior, such as claiming “there is only one group more goy than nationalists and it's football fans”, mirrors Comic Book Guy's catchphrase-driven elitism. Ultimately, his blend of esoteric knowledge and frequent romantic disappointment—noting that “every woman that has ever cared for me ended up hating me”—perfectly captures the spirit of Springfield’s favorite lonely intellectual.

Your MBTI personality Type
BoulevardRobert leans Introvert, citing “social anxiety” and feeling content tweeting from a “secluded workspace”. His Intuitive nature is evident in his fascination with “esoteric coded” locations and theoretical debates regarding “divine simplicity” over mundane reality. His Thinking preference is highlighted by his blunt dismissal of emotional arguments, choosing instead to lecture dates on “Pan Arabism” and historical theology. Finally, his Judging trait manifests in his structured worldview and rigid principles, exemplified by his strong stance on “the return of the khilafa and the destruction of democracy”.

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Your new Twitter bio
Historical researcher and genealogist based in Montreal. Exploring the intersection of Atharite theology, classic automotive engineering, and William Blake.– @BoulevardRobert

Your signature cocktail
This cocktail is a complex blend of 'theologymaxxing' and street-smart melancholy, served strong to reflect a man who believes “the ascetic warrior is closer to God than the isolated monk.” The high-proof base honors his love for speed and high performance, specifically “40 est + 94 octane = ❤️”, while the dark coffee notes capture his tendency to listen to Hasni after a breakup. It is a drink for an “aspirant métaphysicien” who finds himself “feeling so confused, don't know what to do” while driving through Montreal's East End. Finally, the garnish pays homage to his celestial curiosity, as he once pondered “why is the only planet emoji other than earth 🪐?? 🤔🤔🤔”

Your Hogwarts House
BoulevardRobert exhibits a strong Slytherin profile defined by ambition, a sense of self-importance, and a deep-seated pride in his lineage and identity. He openly embraces a 'villain' archetype in his personal life, tweeting “I hate being the villain in my loved ones life”, while displaying the house's classic preoccupation with status and elitism by claiming “the lion does not concern himself with the cleanliness or aesthetic of the gym”. His resourcefulness and desire for dominance are evident in his 'theologymaxxing' and his admiration for historical conquerors, asking “have you ever desired something like Mehmet II desired constantinople?”. Ultimately, his blend of self-preservation, loyalty to his specific 'squad,' and a cunning worldview focused on power dynamics over simple virtues makes him a clear fit for Slytherin.

Your movie

Your song
The persona of @BoulevardRobert oscillates between religious asceticism and the melancholy of modern romance, perfectly mirroring the yearning and introspection found in Self Control. He frequently touches on his complex history with women, stating, “every woman that has ever cared for me ended up hating me,” while simultaneously seeking a path of spiritual discipline or “theologymaxxing.” The song's themes of lost connection and self-restraint align with his internal struggle, as he admits to being “the villain in my loved ones life” and finding himself “happily sad” in the solitude of his car or a jazz club. This blend of high-brow theological discourse and raw, “confused” emotional honesty creates a profile that is both deeply traditional and painfully contemporary.

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BoulevardRobert
green: confident, yellow: guess, red: uncertain
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