Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Radical Authenticity: Openly discusses personal struggles, including being a “deadbeat” and an “unemployed alcoholic.”
- Comedic Absurdism: Uses surreal humor, such as claiming to “coach transsexual sports day” or inventing “Wasian Mind Control.”
- Vibrant Resilience: Maintains a cheerful “GOOD MORNING CABBYNATION” persona despite claiming to be “shot in the head” daily.
- Self-Deprecating Wit: Mocks their own physical appearance, specifically their “medieval monk” balding and “8 emo hairs.”
- Community Engagement: Actively reaches out to followers to “play toys” and celebrate the “New Year” together.
Weaknesses:
- Substance Abuse: Admitted to being “drunk and high” and choosing “alcohol” over family.
- Reckless Endangerment: Boasts about driving “blackout drunk” and continuing to drive on a “suspended” license.
- Aggressive Entitlement: Lashets out with “fuck you” when friends have “jobs” instead of playing video games.
- Emotional Instability: Displays volatile moods, ranging from “mommy’s chest” comfort to screaming “FUCK YOU” in all caps.
- Inappropriate Boundaries: Frequently posts sexualized content regarding “armpits” and “throatfuck thursday.”
Your Simpsons character
Otto Mann
Like the Springfield school bus driver, @cabby is a professional driver who openly embraces a life of substance-fueled chaos and questionable legality. They boast about being a “better driver blackout drunk than you are sober” and admit to “driving after your license gets suspended”, mirroring Otto's frequent brushes with the law and hedonistic lifestyle. Both characters share a stunted maturity, with @cabby constantly begging friends to “play toys” or “play video games” while expressing a deep sense of social isolation. Finally, their shared identity as a “cab driver for 37 years” who is also an “unemployed alcoholic deadbeat” perfectly captures the washed-up, heavy-metal-adjacent energy of The Simpsons’ favorite burnt-out driver.
Your MBTI personality Type
ENTP
@cabby exhibits the Extroverted and Perceiving traits of an ENTP through chaotic, attention-seeking humor and a complete lack of structure, often tweeting things like “GOOD MORNING CABBYNATION” to engage her massive following. Her Intuitive side is shown through abstract, surrealist shitposting and bizarre hypothetical scenarios, such as the claim that “labubus are real creatures that are killed and later taxidermied”. She leans heavily into Thinking over Feeling, using a blunt, often abrasive logic to deflect emotional responsibility, notably seen when she mocks her family for making her “choose between them or alcohol”. Finally, her Perceiving nature is defined by a total disregard for rules and order, exemplified by her boast that she “can just keep driving after your license gets suspended”.
Some pickup lines for you
- Are you a beer can that's been sitting on my floor for weeks? Because I think I just found a couple sips of luck with you.
- I’m not busy with a 'job' or 'family' today—want to skip the excuses and just play some toys with me at noon?
- Forget the Wasian Mind Control, you could just ask me to grab that for you and I'd do it for the next 27 months straight.
- Is it Wednesday? Because I was hoping you’d stop looking into the dark future for a second and look at me instead.
- I promise I won't laugh at your eight remaining emo hairs if you promise to let me be the one person you don't have to invent a friendship with.
Your 5 Emojis
Your new Twitter bio
Seattle's veteran navigator of 37 years. Once drove a passenger while debating 'Wasian Mind Control' theories. Committed to safe travels and professional transit.– @cabby
Your signature cocktail
The 57-Year-Old Emo Deadbeat
This drink perfectly captures the chaotic energy of a self-proclaimed “unemployed alcoholic deadbeat who is Openly an evil person”. The dark blackberry swirl represents their dedication to “making my hair super emo even though im obviously balding,” while the bitter notes reflect someone who would “interpret [a tweet] in the worst faith possible.” Despite the high ABV, it’s designed for the road because they believe “it is really fucking dope that if you have anxiety about driving you can just get mildly inebriated.” Finally, it is served lukewarm, much like a “beer can that's been sitting on your floor for a few weeks.”
Your Hogwarts House
Slytherin
Cabby exemplifies Slytherin’s core value of self-preservation and a unapologetic disregard for societal norms when they conflict with personal desires. They openly admit to prioritizing their own joy over familial obligations, stating it is “really funny that i get called a piece of shit for leaving my family but ignore the fact that they... gave me ultimatums all the time about things i love”. This cunning resourcefulness extends to their disregard for authority, as they boast that “you can just keep driving after your license gets suspended” and claim to be “a better driver blackout drunk than you are sober”. Their ambition is focused entirely on self-gratification, unbothered by being “Openly an evil person” as long as their needs are met.
Your movie
Your song
Closing Time - Semisonic
The song's melancholic transition from a long career to a chaotic personal life mirrors @cabby’s bio of being a “cab driver for 37 years” who now identifies as a “bored and divorced” deadbeat. The lyric 'you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here' resonates with their tweets about being an “unemployed alcoholic deadbeat” who has been “leaving my family” and losing their license. The track captures the bittersweet, slightly unhinged energy of someone who claims to be a “better driver blackout drunk” while facing the literal 'closing time' of their health and relationships. Ultimately, it fits their self-described persona of a 57-year-old trans woman navigating isolation and the end of an era with crude, dark humor.
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