
Strengths and Weaknesses

Your Simpsons character
Aspen shares several qualities with the lovable but troubled Ralph Wiggum. Both have a penchant for saying shockingly candid or inappropriate things without filter, like Ralph's iconic 'Miss Hoover? I dropped my cat soup' line which parallels aspen's explicit tweets about sex. They also both struggle with mental health issues - Ralph's erratic behavior and learning disabilities mirroring aspen's own documented challenges with depression, dissociation and self-harm. Yet under the surface troubles, there remains a fundamentally kind, quirky spirit, exemplified by Ralph's trademark impressions ('I bent my wookiee') and aspen's nostalgic hobby of collecting bottle caps. Their too-wise-for-their-age candor masks an inner vulnerability that elicits both concern and endearment from those around them.

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Your new Twitter bio
24-year-old polyamorous transgender pup, obsessed with noses & biting fascists. Software dev by day, furry degenerate by night. I collect bottle caps and make dad jokes. BONK if ya must, officer. 🐶– @canine_chaos

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Despite their boldness in discussing taboo subjects, aspen's core values align most with Hufflepuff - loyalty, kindness, hard work and acceptance. Their deep appreciation for feminine beauty ('I. LOVE. WOMEN. WITH. BIG. NOSES. BIG FUCKIN HONKERS. YOU'RE A WOMAN WITH A BIG NOSE?? THAT JUST MEANS THERE'S MORE OF YOU FOR ME TO KISS AND LOVE AND APPRECIATE') shows an accepting spirit. Their struggles with mental health and self-destructive behaviors ('tw // sh sometimes i look at all the scars on my arms and think 'damn bro, i really did that to myself. crazy'') highlight perseverance in the face of adversity. And their quirkiness in collecting bottle caps as a child ('when i was a kid i used to collect gatorade bottle caps not just ones i would get from drinking my own bottles, but also those i'd find on the ground at parks n stuff (i'd clean them)') reflects the oft-underrated Hufflepuff trait of eccentricity.

Your movie

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The lyrics of this moody, atmospheric track speak to aspen's duality of being openly sexual and transgressive ('thinkin a lot about. . . double penetration. . . both holes completely stuffed. . . so overwhelmed with sensations') yet also possessing an almost religious fervor and zealotry in their convictions ('I. LOVE. WOMEN. WITH. BIG. NOSES. BIG FUCKIN HONKERS. YOU'RE A WOMAN WITH A BIG NOSE?? THAT JUST MEANS THERE'S MORE OF YOU FOR ME TO KISS AND LOVE AND APPRECIATE'). The grimy yet redemptive tone reflects aspen's irreverent humor about dark themes like their self-harm scars, combined with an earnest, almost spiritual appreciation for unconventional beauty. Take Me to Church captures the sacred meeting the profane that lives at the heart of aspen's unrepentantly freaky Twitter personality.

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canine_chaos
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