Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Self-aware: Jokes about his own issues and image, like “My mom thinks I’m bulimic cause I ate too many wings and threw up” and calling himself “Not a threat” in his bio.
- Politically-engaged: Identifies as Libertarian and comments on politics and civil liberties, e.g. “'Libertarians' supporting federal agents killing people” and “I feel like a lot of libertarians forget about the self defense part”.
- Humorous: Uses absurd, meme-like humor such as “FBI put a computer chip in my butt yesterday” and “They’re calling it the fruitiest national anthem of all time”.
- Openly-vulnerable: Talks frankly about loneliness and relationships, e.g. “I NEED A GIRLFRIEND SO BAD” and “They were my cousins btw I just said ‘friends’ to feel less lonely”.
- Reflective: Looks back on past accounts and behavior, like “New info: Cancellation arc started in 2019, not 2024” and finding his old account “from when I was 9 10 @ammoNinetyFive”.
Weaknesses:
- Offensive-language: Uses slurs and harsh phrasing such as “Stop nigging me” and calling someone “Tard”.
- Hostile-humor: Jokes built on antagonism toward groups, like “We need a slur for people specifically from NYC” and mocking “British terrorists” in “I don’t like British terrorists in my state”.
- Insensitivity: Minimizes others’ concerns, e.g. defending a controversial figure with “Twitter is filled with the most sensitive people imaginable” and mocking school’s Black History Month choices in “served fried chicken for black history month”.
- Attention-seeking: Posts dramatic, provocative statements like “I need to get neutered or something” and “Mourn me with an eagle emoji.”.
- Negative-worldview: Expresses strong disdain toward places and people, e.g. “Just send me to Hell or New York City It would be about the same to me” and “Minnesota is cursed you cannot convince me otherwise”.
Your Simpsons character
Bart Simpson
This user most closely matches Bart Simpson: a rebellious, irreverent teenager who loves provoking people and treating troublemaking as a personality trait. Their posts show a taste for edgy, often offensive jokes, like “Stop nigging me” and the desire for a slur for New Yorkers in “We need a slur for people specifically from NYC”, mirroring Bart’s boundary-pushing humor. The libertarian, anti-authority streak also fits Bart, seen in tweets like “'Libertarians' supporting federal agents killing people” and “I feel like a lot of libertarians forget about the self defense part and I will not be elaborating”. At the same time, the user shows teen insecurity and loneliness—“I need a girlfriend so bad” and “They were my cousins btw I just said 'friends' to feel less lonely”—which parallels Bart’s occasional vulnerable moments under the class clown exterior. The mixture of juvenile humor, self-deprecation, and provocative politics makes Bart a much closer match than more earnest or responsible characters like Lisa or Marge.
Your MBTI personality Type
ISTP
They literally self-identify as an ISTP in their bio, which is a strong starting signal: “ISTP 6 sx/so 683.” Their tweets show clear Introversion: they talk about feeling isolated or not liked, e.g. “They were my cousins btw I just said ‘friends’ to feel less lonely” and “I like so many girls but no girl has ever liked me”, rather than describing a large, energizing social life. They lean strongly Sensing with concrete, bodily, and situational details like overeating and throwing up in “My mom thinks I’m bulimic cause I ate too many wings and threw up”, the heat on their jeans in “this morning was chilly now it’s 12 and it feels like my jeans are on fire”, and joking about a chip in their body in “FBI put a computer chip in my butt yesterday” rather than abstract theorizing. Their tone is blunt, cutting, and more Thinking than Feeling: they casually use harsh, offensive phrasing like “Stop nigging me”, call things “Actual degeneracy” in this tweet, and criticize others’ sensitivity in “Twitter is filled with the most sensitive people imaginable”. Finally, they come off as Perceiving rather than Judging: their feed is spontaneous, chaotic, and in-the-moment—e.g. “Just saying shit”, “I need to get neutered or something”, and impulsive food decisions like “Ate so much last night I got myself sick”—with little evidence of structured planning or long-term orderly goals. Putting these together, their online behavior fits ISTP: introverted, concrete, bluntly logical, and highly spontaneous.
Some pickup lines for you
- You said you ‘need a girlfriend so bad’—as a libertarian you should respect free association, so I’m just freely associating myself with you until further notice.
- You mourned Lady Gaga’s horse and asked to be mourned with an eagle emoji; deal: I’ll send 🦅 when you die, but until then I’m spamming your notifications like a federal agent you actually approve of.
- Your school served fried chicken for Black History Month and calls that public safety—clearly you need someone more competent in your life. I promise I’ll treat you better than their chicken and waffles.
- You don’t like ‘British terrorists’ in your state, but I’m American, south-of-OKC coordinates-compatible, and fully prepared to invade your DMs instead of your territory.
- You said you like so many girls but none have liked you back; consider this a formal exception notice—ISTP 6 sx/so John Paul Jones, I officially like you back, no straw.page conspiracy required.
Your 5 Emojis
Your new Twitter bio
16 • Oklahoma coordinates, questionable takes • Once ate so many wings my mom thought I was bulimic • Libertarian who reads the fine print– @cargo_423
Your signature cocktail
The Free Cargo 715
The Smoky American bourbon stands in for their heavy patriot vibe and libertarian edge, echoing the bio’s “🇺🇸” and lines like “I feel like a lot of libertarians forget about the self defense part and I will not be elaborating”. Spicy ginger beer captures their sharp, sometimes incendiary posting style, like “We need a slur for people specifically from NYC” and “Just saying shit”. Sour lime juice reflects their self-deprecating teen angst and emotional volatility in tweets such as “I NEED A GIRLFRIEND SO BAD” and “I like so many girls but no girl has ever liked me”. A dash of bitters nods to their cynicism toward institutions and internet drama, seen in “‘Libertarians’ supporting federal agents killing people” and “Twitter is filled with the most sensitive people imaginable”. Finally, a splash of green melon liqueur is a wink to their youth and eye color flex in “Mine are green”, adding a bright, weird, experimental touch that fits someone who jokes about things like “FBI put a computer chip in my butt yesterday”.
Your Hogwarts House
Slytherin
Their defining traits lean toward Slytherin-style edge, self-preservation, and strategic antagonism rather than open heroism or warmth. They show an enjoyment of provocation and playing the villain, like when they say they’re going onto Bluesky just “to annoy #thosepeople” in “Nothing feels better than going onto bluesky to annoy #thosepeople and seeing I’m logged out”, and when they frame a political party as a personal "lolcow" in “LPNH is my favorite lolcow”. Their dark, self-mythologizing humor and branding as a kind of notorious figure show a taste for infamy and a curated reputation, as in “Truly a #FREECARGO715 moment..” and the self-referential site plugs in “Cause i made this in may” and “Just saying shit”. They lean heavily on self-defense and distrust of authority in a way that fits Slytherin’s instinct for self-preservation and independence, e.g. “I feel like a lot of libertarians forget about the self defense part and I will not be elaborating” and the tongue-in-cheek paranoia in “FBI put a computer chip in my butt yesterday”. Even their bio—“Not a threat.” paired with the eagle and militant libertarian tone—suggests someone who is very aware of how they’re perceived and plays with that image, which is quintessentially Slytherin.
Your movie
Your song
American Idiot - Green Day
Green Day’s American Idiot fits them because it channels a mix of anti-authoritarian attitude, dark humor, and frustration with society that shows up all over their timeline and bio: a libertarian who jokes about surveillance (“FBI put a computer chip in my butt yesterday”) and calls out state violence (“‘Libertarians’ supporting federal agents killing people”). The song’s rebellious patriot vibe lines up with their eagle-filled aesthetic and username (“🇺🇸 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐏𝐚𝐮𝐥 𝐉𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬 🇺🇸”) and their request to be mourned with an eagle emoji (“Mourn me with an eagle emoji.”). Their tendency to mock sensitive discourse and online call-out culture (“Twitter is filled with the most sensitive people imaginable”) mirrors the song’s disdain for performative outrage and media hysteria. Even their self-deprecating, chaotic teen energy (“I NEED A GIRLFRIEND SO BAD”, “I need to get neutered or something”) fits the restless, messy coming-of-age angst at the core of American Idiot. Overall, the track’s cynical humor and rebellious American identity map closely onto how they present themselves online.
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