
Strengths and Weaknesses

Your Simpsons character
The user most closely matches Lisa Simpson, especially a darker, more disillusioned version of her. Lisa is highly introspective and often feels isolated in her pain, similar to tweets like “I was doing better. I was doing better. I was doing better. But here I am back in the depths of hell.” and “you know...I don't think I'll ever come back anymore”. The account’s self-awareness and emotional intensity show up in lines such as “a failure today a failure again a life is the cost” and “I've died a long time ago.”, echoing Lisa’s frequent sense of existential despair and not fitting in. Their irritability toward others’ concern, as in “am i an asshole if i say i get super annoyed with people checking in on me..? like bitch leave me alone.”, fits Lisa’s tendency to push people away when she feels misunderstood. Even the fixation on cycles of pain and self-sabotage—“its an addiction at this point” and “I'm addicted to this place huh”—resembles Lisa’s pattern of returning to painful introspection and causes, despite knowing how much they hurt her.

Your MBTI personality Type
They strongly lean Introvert: they call the account a vent space in their bio and focus on internal pain rather than social life, e.g. “Im fucking tired of you. Why are you here?? I was doing soo good...” and “you know...I don't think I'll ever come back anymore”, which show withdrawal and exhaustion with interaction. Their posts are heavily Intuitive, centering on abstract, existential feelings rather than concrete events, like “I've died a long time ago.” and “a failure today a failure again a life is the cost”, which frame experiences as symbolic of inner states. They are clearly Feeling-oriented: their language is emotional and value-laden rather than analytical, e.g. “you fucking win. fuck you. fuck you fuck you...” and “I was doing better. I was doing better. I was doing better. But here I am back in the depths of hell.”. Finally, they lean Perceiving over structured Judging: they seem caught in fluctuating moods and impulses, describing addiction and relapse like “its an addiction at this point” and “I'm addicted to this place huh”, with little emphasis on plans, schedules, or closure. Even when referencing an upcoming operation, “minimally invasive operation soon but i hope it goes bad and I die”, the focus is on emotional wish and fatalism rather than organizing or problem-solving. Overall, the combination of deep internal focus, metaphorical despair, emotional intensity, and unstructured, reactive expression best fits INFP.

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Your new Twitter bio
Documenting the messy art of staying alive. Once got confused that dry spaghetti could cut skin. Thoughts, vents & recovery notes, all my own.– @despairingcries

Your signature cocktail
This strong, moody cocktail channels their vent-account chaos and addiction to pain with overproof dark rum, echoing lines like “its an addiction at this point” and “I'm addicted to this place huh”. Cold brew coffee keeps it wired, tired, and restless, mirroring the looping exhaustion of “I was doing better. I was doing better. But here I am back in the depths of hell.”. Black cherry liqueur brings a dark sweetness for the softer moments like “comfy ♡”, showing there’s still a hint of warmth buried in all the rage. A dash of bitter Campari stands in for every explosive “Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you…” and “fuck off bro”, giving the drink its sharp edge. Finally, the charcoal salt rim is a nod to their self-destructive humor—like “minimally invasive operation soon but i hope it goes bad and I die” and the spaghetti-cut tweet “oh my god i forgot spaghetti is hard at first and was so confused how a limp, soggy noodle could cut through skin”—turning all that darkness into something strangely irresistible and a little bit beautiful.

Your Hogwarts House
The tone of @despairingcries’ account is intensely self-protective and guarded, which aligns most strongly with Slytherin. They repeatedly push others away, as seen in tweets like “fuck off bro”, “fuck off”, and the long, aggressive “Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you...”, showing a defensive, thorny exterior built to keep people at a distance. This is reinforced by their irritation with concern from others in “....am i an asshole if i say i get super annoyed with people checking in on me..? like bitch leave me alone.”, which reflects a self-preserving instinct to control emotional access. Even in despair, they express a kind of fatalistic resolve and ownership over their narrative, e.g., “if I started it, then i guess i should also be the one to end it” and “you know...I don't think I'll ever come back anymore”, suggesting a strong-willed, decisive streak rather than passive resignation. While there’s pain and hopelessness here, the dominant traits are guardedness, emotional control, and a fierce insistence on setting their own terms—core Slytherin characteristics more than those of any other house.

Your movie

Your song
The song Bury a Friend matches their fixation on pain, self-destructive thoughts, and feeling inhuman or already gone. Their bio, “A non writer, but I cry in despair || vent acc,” and posts like “I've died a long time ago.” echo the song’s theme of feeling dead inside while still moving through life. Dark humor about harm, such as “oh my god i forgot spaghetti is hard at first and was so confused how a limp, soggy noodle could cut through skin”, reflects the song’s unsettling blend of morbidity and detachment. Their wish around a procedure — “minimally invasive operation soon but i hope it goes bad and I die” — resonates with the track’s fascination with death and self-sabotage. The recurring anger and exhaustion in tweets like “I was doing better. I was doing better. I was doing better. But here I am back in the depths of hell.” align with the song’s cyclical, trapped-in-your-own-head energy.

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