
Strengths and Weaknesses

Your Simpsons character
Moe Szyslak is the most fitting match because both display chronic depression, self‑destructive behavior, and frequent suicidal thoughts, such as the tweet 'I might just commit tonight, I’m so tired' and the acknowledgment that 'my scars are from self harm'. Like Moe’s unhealthy, codependent relationship with his bar, the user is obsessively dependent on her boyfriend for validation, evident in 'I just wanna be perfect for him, but I’m scared to do a lot of the shit he wants'. Both also use food and substances as coping mechanisms, illustrated by 'ONE BAR OF GOLD IS 290CALS?? IM INVESTED NOW' and references to shrooms and relapsing. Their attention‑seeking and yearning for recognition, like 'No amount of clout or attention will bring me as much joy as when I was a niche micro celebrity', echo Moe’s desperate attempts to keep customers and stay relevant. This combination of depressive, self‑harm, codependency, and craving for validation aligns closely with Moe’s character.

Your MBTI personality Type
The user’s communication is highly outward and seeks validation, indicating Extraversion (e.g., “I’m scared to call him… what do I do?” and frequent picture posts). They focus on concrete sensory details like food, calories, and bodily sensations (“ONE BAR OF GOLD IS 290CALS??”, “I just ate a yogurt tube and drank a Sprite Zero”). Their decisions are driven by personal emotions and relationships rather than logical analysis (“I want him to see that I’m hurting”, “I just want to be perfect for him”). Their lifestyle appears spontaneous and unstructured, with impulsive actions and last‑minute plans (“I’m going to fast until Monday/Tuesday”, “I locked in and played Pokémon for hours”). These traits together align best with the ESFP personality type.

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Your new Twitter bio
20-year-old gamer, meme-maker & mental-health advocate. Once ate a whole pizza in one bite. #SelfCare #RealTalk– @HalfEvilBrat

Your signature cocktail
The name "Gold‑Cantaloupe Nightmare" captures the contrast of sweet and dark that runs through Avangeline's feed, like the tweet "ONE BAR OF GOLD IS 290CALS?? IM INVESTED NOW" that obsessively tracks calories. The base of Goldschläger, a cinnamon schnapps with real gold flakes, mirrors the glittery yet toxic allure of her relationship, as she writes "WROTE THAT MF A SAPPY LONG ASS TEXT FOR WHEN HE WOKE UP, NO RESPONSE (idk if he read it cuz I’m scared to look but also Ik prolly not cuz work) AND MOW IM SCARED TO CALL HIM CUZ IM STILL SAPPY BUT LIKE UGH WHAT DO I O". Cantaloupe‑flavored Midori adds a soft, sugary layer, echoing the recurring mention of counting cantaloupe calories and the tweet "For my own sake I’m only counting the cantaloupe I ate today cuz that’s the only thing I finished and can’t really say exact cals for". A splash of cola and a shot of espresso give the drink a dark, bitter depth, reflecting her late‑night anxieties and the line "Goddamit I think I’m getting bad again…". Finally, a pinch of chili bitters brings a surprising heat, symbolizing the anger and jealousy that spikes through lines like "He’s just leaving me on read :(" and "I want him to see that I’m hurting".

Your Hogwarts House
The tweets reveal a focus on self‑preservation, manipulation, and personal ambition, hallmarks of Slytherin. They admit, "I wish I could brainwash him so he was basically stupidly obsessed with me," and describe taking his phone while he was showering to block his ex, saying "I literally took his phone while he was showering and blocked her from his accs..." showing cunning and resourcefulness. Their constant drive to be "perfect for him" while scheming ways to keep him under their control, such as "I need a better hobby besides lookin up the same one of his exes and hating her silently behind a screen," underscores a strategic, self‑focused mindset. This pattern of strategic manipulation and ambition aligns best with Slytherin values.

Your movie

Your song
The user’s repeated expressions of self‑harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts match the raw vulnerability of "Hurt." For example, they write, "I’m like actually very tired of living. I might just commit tonight," and "Realizing my bf is the only person who realizes my scars are from self harm," echoing the lyric "I hurt myself today to see if I still feel." The line "What have I become?" mirrors their sense of worthlessness, as seen in tweets like "I’m a bitter and angry woman, I know it’s not good but fkn hell…" and "I’m constantly feeling like everybody just hates me or at least tolerates me." Their codependent relationship and desire for validation, such as "I just wanna be perfect for him, but I wanna be true to myself," adds to the feeling of regret and loss that permeates the song. Overall, the melancholy and introspection of the Johnny Cash version of "Hurt" captures the user’s ongoing emotional turmoil.

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