Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Self-deprecating humor: Regularly jokes at their own expense, like blaming “last day me” for undone spreadsheets in “Last day me is a fucking cunt, why did you not do any f the spreadsheets!!!” and laughing at cleaning vile office fridges in “I am cleaning the fridge in my department and this is so vile”.
- Loving caregiver: Shows strong care for dogs, rewarding them and worrying about their health, as in “Wilf and Mash were both so annoyed about my brother being here for Christmas… you go dogs” and feeling bad leaving a dog at the vet in “Had to leave him at the vet, feel a bastard”.
- Emotionally open: Openly shares stress, sadness, and anxiety, such as worrying about leaving a heater on in “Spent all weekend stressed… Came in and I had in fact turned it off” and reflecting on career disappointment in “now I watch paint dry professionally~ and it makes me sad but also that’s life innit”.
- Creative hobbyist: Engages in crochet and crafting, posting works-in-progress and experiments like “Latest crochet project on the Wilf table” and “Crocheted a dodgy chicken”.
- Body-positive realist: Talks about body and size with blunt humor instead of shame, e.g. “Being both tall and a fat bastard is not paying off with the crochet tbh” and celebrating clothes that fit again in “Also in exciting news my dungarees fit again”.
Weaknesses:
- Chronic self-criticism: Frequently calls themselves names or frames actions harshly, like “Last day me is a fucking cunt” and “feel a bastard” in “Had to leave him at the vet, feel a bastard”.
- Work stress: Work regularly appears as a source of strain, from wet desks in “Love to come in to work and everything on my desk is wet” to difficult coworkers in “Trying to tell if my coworker is just incompetent or if they have a problem with me”.
- Anxiety spirals: Shows tendency to catastrophize, like panicking all weekend about a heater in “Spent all weekend stressed… Came in and I had in fact turned it off” and worrying over parking fines in “I have arrived for an aromatherapy class… fairly certain this car park is going to send me a fine”.
- Negative self-talk: Uses harsh language toward themselves rather than neutral reflection, such as “Me before a long drive… My tyre valve: time 2 kill myself” and cursing their own choices in “Don’t want to do the proper post but fuck sake man why am I sold”.
- Procrastination habits: Admits to leaving tasks unfinished then suffering for it, as in “Last day me is a fucking cunt, why did you not do any f the spreadsheets!!!” and feeling overly ‘holiday mode’ with days of work still left in “I have three more days till I am off for a week but I already feel too holiday mode”.
Your Simpsons character
Lisa Simpson
They most closely resemble Lisa Simpson: thoughtful, self-deprecating, caring, and quietly principled. Like Lisa, they overthink and stress about responsibilities, from worrying they left a heater on at work (“Spent all weekend stressed, including waking up in a panic about it ever night, that I’d left the heater that occasionally smells like burnt toast on at work despite being able to remember switching it off.”) to feeling guilty about a coworker dynamic (“Trying to tell if my coworker is just incompetent or if they have a problem with me.”). There’s also a deep compassion and sense of justice aimed at animals, very Lisa-like, in the way they dote on their dogs and celebrate their quirks (“Wilf and Mash were both so annoyed about my brother being here for Christmas and they got so much turkey from me as a secret reward, you go dogs, you also dislike him”). Their creative streak with crochet and fashion, and willingness to be a bit different (“Weekend to be brave, wore something I have crocheted outside for the first time”), also mirrors Lisa’s quiet confidence in her own tastes. Finally, their reflective career regret and acceptance (“Sometimes o think about how I realised I wanted to be a physio… and now I watch paint dry professionally~ and it makes me sad but also that’s life innit”) feels very much like Lisa’s mix of idealism and resigned realism.
Your MBTI personality Type
ISFP
They lean Introvert (I) because most tweets center on solo life, dogs, and quiet routines rather than large social circles or constant interaction, e.g. stressing about work and cleaning alone in “I am cleaning the fridge in my department and this is so vile…” and spending weekends in with the dogs like “Sleepy weekends”, with no sign they crave a big audience. Their style is strongly Sensing (S): they focus on concrete, sensory experiences—hair, heat, textures, minor daily mishaps—such as “A heatwave in work is not the place to give me some of the worst cramps of my life body” and “I bought actual pyjamas… and my god are all pyjamas so soft”, rather than abstract theories. They seem Feeling (F)-oriented: posts revolve around emotions, empathy, and relationships with animals, like comforting and rewarding the dogs in “Wilf and Mash were both so annoyed about my brother being here for Christmas and they got so much turkey from me as a secret reward” and expressing hurt/guilt in “Had to leave him at the vet, feel a bastard”, instead of detached analysis. Finally, they read as Perceiving (P): there’s a spontaneous, slightly chaotic tone—winging recipes in “Me winging what I am making… I do not even know what I put in this let alone amounts”, procrastinating spreadsheets in “Last day me is a fucking cunt, why did you not do any f the spreadsheets!!!”, and deciding on brave outfits on a whim in “Weekend to be brave, wore something I have crocheted outside for the first time”. Taken together, the quiet, sensory, emotionally expressive and spur-of-the-moment vibe fits ISFP best: a reflective, feelings-driven doer with a strong aesthetic sense (hair, clothes, crochet, photos) and deep attachment to animals and small pleasures.
Some pickup lines for you
- If Mash can win one of the biggest lurcher hurdling finals in the country, do you think she could hurdle the emotional barrier between ‘dog and sunset enthusiast’ and ‘dog and sunset enthusiast who goes on dates with me’?
- You getting ID’d at 32 while watching Knives Out and roasting Daniel Craig’s accent tells me two things: you’ve clearly discovered the fountain of youth, and I’d like to apply to be your deeply confused but supportive sidekick.
- You crocheted a dodgy chicken, survived Vinted’s villain era, cleaned the world’s mouldiest Tupperware in a fridge you don’t even use, and still say you’re a ‘very low standard crocheter’. I strongly disagree—your standards are just being saved for people, and I’m hoping to qualify.
- You, me, a drive where your tyre valve doesn’t try to kill itself, then home to sit in a dog basket because the couches are taken by Wilf and Mash. I’ll even let Mash keep her octopus and not touch the monkey, I respect her boundaries—and yours.
- You watching paint dry professionally instead of being a physio makes you sound sad, but from your tweets about your anxious heater checks, aromatherapy misadventures, and fan-fuelled overtime, you’re clearly the sort of person who quietly holds everything together. I don’t have a punchline, I just think that’s really attractive—and I’d like to be part of the life you say ‘that’s life innit’ about.
Your 5 Emojis
Your new Twitter bio
Sighthound wrangler in the North. Once misdiagnosed my own fart as appendicitis. Crochets, complains about Vinted, shows up (usually) on time.– @Hnnjsmoth
Your signature cocktail
Mash & Malibu Meltdown
This cocktail starts with Malibu rum for their chaotic, slightly feral but fun nights out, nodding to “Wetherspoons accidentally gave us a Malibu and coke we didn’t order and I feel 21 again”. A shot of flat white coffee or coffee liqueur represents their permanently-tired-but-still-functioning vibe, like waking up hungover at 7:30 with “Me at 7:30 this morning: 👁️👄👁️” and still dragging themselves to cursed meetings and broken windows. Cloudy lemonade brings in the soft, sunny sweetness of their dog and sunset obsession—see Mash guarding octopi and monkeys in “Mash 💖 octopus” and “Whenever I come sit in the back yard she comes out for a sunbathe”. A dash of sea salt captures the swearing, gallows humour, and mildly feral work life of “This Tuesday is wank even by Tuesday standards” and cleaning vile fridges in “I am cleaning the fridge in my department and this is so vile”. Finally, it’s topped with candied orange peel and a tiny crochet-style umbrella as a wink to being a “very low standard crocheter” and the playful self-deprecation of “Being both tall and a fat bastard is not paying off with the crochet tbh”, making the drink look much more put-together than it actually is—just like their life.
Your Hogwarts House
Hufflepuff
Their strongest throughline is care, loyalty, and quiet graft rather than flash or ambition. They constantly center their dogs’ comfort and feelings, sneaking them turkey as a ‘secret reward’ for disliking an annoying relative (“Wilf and Mash were both so annoyed about my brother being here for Christmas and they got so much turkey from me as a secret reward, you go dogs, you also dislike him”) and feeling guilty for leaving one at the vet (“Had to leave him at the vet, feel a bastard”). They quietly take on gross, thankless tasks at work like cleaning the vile communal fridge that they don’t even use (“I am cleaning the fridge in my department and this is so vile, I’ve just had to bin the worlds moldiest Tupperware. I don’t even use the fridge how have I ended up with this role”), and they keep showing up despite stress and rough days (“Texted my friend at like quarter past 8 it was looking like one of those weeks and if it isn’t it’s at least one hell of a day”). Their warmth and fairness show in how they reflect on past call-centre work and how customers were happy even when management punished them for not upselling (“At least once a month in my call centre jobs I had to listen back to a call with a nice old lady and be told even though the nice old lady was happy after the call I was the worst because I didn’t try and sell her a tv package”). While they have flashes of self-deprecating wit and some Slytherin-adjacent self-preservation, the dominant pattern is kindness, reliability, and a strong protective streak toward loved ones (especially dogs), which are quintessentially Hufflepuff traits.
Your movie
Your song
Dog Days Are Over - Florence + The Machine
A fitting song for them is “Dog Days Are Over” because so much of their life, joy, and emotional weather revolves around their dogs and small bright spots in otherwise rough days. Their timeline is full of affection for Mash, Wilf, and Caspar, from “Mash 💖 octopus” to “Wilf is always a vibe” and “Caspar loves to throw cushions on the floor”, mirroring the song’s focus on love and release. At the same time, they’re frequently battling stress and minor disasters—being stuck on the M60 and cutting their hand (“This Tuesday is wank even by Tuesday standards”), work anxiety (“Trying to tell if my coworker is just incompetent or if they have a problem with me”), and everyday burnout. The song’s theme of running towards joy and away from heaviness fits the way they find comfort in crochet, clothes, and silly treats like a fresh toothbrush head (“I decided to treat myself to a fresh toothbrush head”). Even when days are chaotic, they keep returning to soft, happy moments with their animals and hobbies, just like the song’s shift from tension to exuberant release.
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