Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Self-aware: Openly reflects on his own habits and state, e.g. “what actually leaves me excited these days instead of incredibly jaded? I'm not actually sure honestly” and “I'm going to get it together starting tomorrow”.
- Supportive: Shows care for friends, e.g. defending a friend hurt by infidelity in “he's the nicest and sweetest guy I know and he gets repayed like this?”.
- Consistent: Sticks with hobbies like CS, Melee, MTG and streaming for years, still grinding even when jaded, as in “sitting in the cold basement playing cs has me feeling more sick, but the grind never stops”.
- Humorous: Uses self-deprecating and situational humor, like “little brother is engaged and I've never been on a date” and “any egirls want to admit they have a crush on me before 2021 ends?”.
- Value-driven: Has clear stances on alcohol and boundaries, reflected by his handle and interest in no-drinking posts like “it’s okay not to want to drink alcohol, even on the holidays. no is a full sentence.”.
Weaknesses:
- Cynical: Frequently expresses jaded or blackpilled views, e.g. “thought I was whitepilled for a bit, but I think someone just coated the blackpill in white paint” and “cs and melee and mtg are currently the worst they've been since I started them”.
- Self-deprecating: Often puts himself down in relationships and life, like “women scare me” and “little brother is engaged and I've never been on a date”.
- Romantically fixated: Repeatedly focuses on lack of a partner, e.g. “sometimes going back to basics is really important. with ath said..... tfw no gf” and “I want a wife and children but also I never want to women. how do I remedy this?”.
- Harshly negative: Uses strong language and broad insults, such as “y'all are fucking retarded.” and “I barely play this shit game anymore”.
- Inconsistently motivated: Oscillates between ambitious resolutions and burnout, e.g. “2026 is my year.” contrasted with “as of today I am no longer a gamer. fuck that shit I'm retired.”.
Your Simpsons character
Moe Szyslak
The user most closely matches Moe Szyslak. Moe is chronically lonely, desperate for affection, and darkly self-deprecating, which fits tweets like “I want a wife and children but also I never want to women. how do I remedy this?” and “any egirls want to admit they have a crush on me before 2021 ends?”. There’s a strong undercurrent of cynicism and resentment about relationships—very Moe-coded—in posts such as “nothing gets me hating women quite as much as one of my best friends dming me that the wedding is canceled because he found out his fiance was cheating on him” and “women scare me”. Like Moe, he mixes bitterness with genuine vulnerability and longing, for example “little brother is engaged and I've never been on a date” and “sometimes going back to basics is really important. with ath said..... tfw no gf”. Even his on‑again, off‑again relationship with drinking and self-improvement—“my friends it has been 5 days since I have had booze and frozen pizza and 7 days since I havw played counterstrike. I am beginning to feel like a fraud.” and “2026 is my year.”—matches Moe’s cycle of "this time I’ll turn it around" followed by jaded backsliding. Overall, the combination of gallows humor, romantic frustration, and rough-edged tenderness is much more Moe than any of the core Simpsons family members.
Your MBTI personality Type
INTP
They lean Introvert (I): most activities are solitary (CS, Melee, MTG, streaming, vtubers) and they frame social contact as distant or anxiety‑tinged, e.g. “women scare me” and joking pleas for DMs like “any egirls want to admit they have a crush on me before 2021 ends?”, which signal desire for connection but not ongoing extroverted engagement. They appear more iNtuitive (N) than Sensing: their feed is full of meta, pessimistic or hypothetical reflections such as “what actually leaves me excited these days instead of incredibly jaded? I'm not actually sure honestly” and “thought I was whitepilled for a bit, but I think someone just coated the blackpill in white paint”, focused on big-picture meaning and self‑narrative rather than concrete details. They strongly favor Thinking (T): they’re blunt and often harsh, e.g. “y'all are fucking retarded.” and “I barely play this shit game anymore”, and even when expressing hurt (like his friend’s canceled wedding) he frames it in evaluative, fairness terms: “seems really fucked up to me but I dunno”. Their lifestyle and language suggest Perceiving (P) over Judging: they procrastinate and act impulsively (“waking up at 8 and saying 'I'll just sleep a little bit more.' turned into waking up at 2. oops”) and repeatedly make open‑ended resolutions like “I'm going to get it together starting tomorrow” and “2026 is my year.” without evidence of structured follow‑through. Combining I, N, T, and P traits—introverted, abstract/ironic, bluntly analytical, and loose with plans—INTP best fits their overall tone and behavior.
Some pickup lines for you
- You said CS, Melee, and MTG are the worst they’ve been in 14+ years — lucky for you, my winrate in ‘taking you to dinner’ is still unpatched and completely broken.
- You boot up ranked Melee thinking it’ll be fun and end up suffering… so why not queue a different matchup: you, me, heroscape tournament first, dinner second, emotional stability finally unlocked.
- Your little brother’s engaged and you’ve never been on a date — statistically speaking, it’s clearly my responsibility to help balance the family bracket. When are we running our first best‑of‑3 date set?
- You keep tweeting “dinner” with no context, so I have to ask: how do I get on the plate rotation? I promise I’ll bring something better than that ‘new worst drink to ever exist.’
- You said women scare you and you barely play that ‘shit game’ anymore — good news: I’m not a game, and we can take getting to know each other on casual mode, no ranked anxiety, just vibes.
Your 5 Emojis
Your new Twitter bio
CS, Melee, MTG, and Heroscape veteran. Once booted CS three times in a day and still called myself retired. Streaming, coping, improving—one game at a time.– @Iwillnotdrink
Your signature cocktail
The Tireless Queue Dodge
This drink hits hard and keeps you awake, just like booting up ranked yet again even though you know it's pain, echoing “cs and melee and mtg are currently the worst they've been since I started them 14+ years ago.” and “boots up csgo for the third time today”. The overproof rye stands in for the intensity and frustration of grinding games you ‘barely play’ anymore, as in “I barely play this shit game anymore”, while the cold brew is the chronic late‑night, basement‑dweller energy of “sitting in the cold basement playing cs has me feeling more sick, but the grind never stops”. A bitter herbal amaro captures the blackpilled, romantic jadedness of “sometimes going back to basics is really important. with ath said..... tfw no gf” and “little brother is engaged and I've never been on a date”. The smoky tea syrup nods to wanting warmth and connection from a distance—vtubers and egirls instead of real dates—like “having a girl in your ear that doesn't hate you is kinda nice”. Finally, the saline is a tiny, almost invisible touch that makes everything else work better, mirroring the quietly sincere hope in “2026 is my year.” and the running joke of wanting a wife and kids despite being scared of women in “I want a wife and children but also I never want to women. how do I remedy this?”.
Your Hogwarts House
Hufflepuff
This account reads as someone defined by loyalty, care for others, and quiet perseverance more than by grand ambition or intellectualism. They consistently show deep concern for friends and family, like when they lament a kind friend being cheated on in “nothing gets me hating women quite as much as one of my best friends dming me that the wedding is canceled because he found out his fiance was cheating on him” and defend his character in “it fucks me up because nobody deserves this less than him. he's the nicest and sweetest guy I know and he gets repayed like this?”. Their long-term dedication to games despite frustration shows classic Hufflepuff grit, as seen in “cs and melee and mtg are currently the worst they've been since I started them 14+ years ago.” and “sitting in the cold basement playing cs has me feeling more sick, but the grind never stops”. They also repeatedly express a desire for wholesome connection—wanting a wife and children in “I want a wife and children but also I never want to women. how do I remedy this?” and hoping others have a good holiday in “Merry Christmas everyone :) hope you all have a wonderful day”—which fits Hufflepuff’s emphasis on home and relationships. While there are flashes of cynicism and self-deprecation, the core patterns are attachment to friends, steady effort, and a longing for simple, loyal bonds rather than glory or cunning schemes, making Hufflepuff the best fit.
Your movie
Your song
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
A song that fits them best is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, with its mix of loneliness, burnout, and stubborn persistence. They oscillate between hopeful proclamations like “2026 is my year.” and self-deprecating or blackpilled thoughts like “thought I was whitepilled for a bit, but I think someone just coated the blackpill in white paint”, which mirrors the song’s tension between wanting better and feeling stuck. Their romantic frustration and isolation—“little brother is engaged and I've never been on a date” and “we're such good friends...? oh... yeah I totally didn't imagine us getting married and spending the rest of our lives together it's cool.”—echo the song’s theme of walking alone and feeling left behind. The disillusionment with hobbies, like “cs and melee and mtg are currently the worst they've been since I started them 14+ years ago.”, matches the weary, jaded tone of the lyrics. Yet they keep grinding—“sitting in the cold basement playing cs has me feeling more sick, but the grind never stops”—which fits the song’s sense of continuing down the road even when it feels pointless.
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