
Strengths and Weaknesses

Your Simpsons character
Cole reads most like an older, more media‑savvy Bart Simpson. There’s a gleeful, foul‑mouthed mischief to how he talks about competition and violence, like calling his brother a "little cunt" while bragging about Street Fighter in “the magnitude of the whoopass I'm about to deliver from the pearly gates”, which fits Bart’s chaotic, confrontational energy. He’s irreverent and casually hostile toward things that annoy him, threatening to become "more miserable online" if his feed keeps serving trash in “I'm simply going to have to make it the issue of whatever poor pleb is in front if me”, very much in line with Bart’s prank‑as-defense mechanism. At the same time, he’s more thoughtful than he first appears, getting genuinely emotional over Max Payne 3 in “absolutely destroyed me” and analyzing films like The Grand Budapest Hotel in “I personally can't help but see something about the passage of Time and what we leave behind”, echoing Bart’s occasional surprising depth. The bio line "Half as long, twice as bright, right?" also channels Bart’s live-fast, burn-bright teenage attitude, cementing him as the closest match.

Your MBTI personality Type
They skew Introverted: their tweets center on solitary media (games, films, TV) and introspective reactions rather than social events, like replaying Max Payne 3 alone (“It's time for another fucking play through of Max Payne 3, let's rock 'n' roll.”) and getting deeply emotional about story beats (“absolutely destroyed me.”), suggesting an inner-focused life. They show a strong Intuitive side by gravitating to themes and big-picture ideas: their take on The Grand Budapest Hotel focuses on the passage of time and legacy rather than plot (“I personally can't help but see something about the passage of Time and what we leave behind”), and they imagine how Marvel could be written like Max Payne with a specific writer (“Marvel could probably write The Punisher like Max Payne. Like, get Sam whatshisname back to write him for a limited comic run”). Their tone is blunt and analytical, favoring Thinking: they critique "snyderbots" with an emphasis on media literacy (“you'd reckon they at least have the most basic media literacy possible, yet the fail at even that.”) and weigh options logically when considering how to get an invite-only game (“So what do we think is the optimal plan to acquire said game?”). At the same time, they are emotionally moved by narratives (“shit gets me bawling in the club”), showing rich feelings, but they express those feelings in a raw, almost detached analytical framing, which is typical of T over F. Their lifestyle and language suggest Perceiving: they repeatedly dive into games and shows on impulse (“It's time for another fucking play through of Max Payne 3”) and joke about small spontaneous quirks (“Caught myself saying 'Series' instead of 'Season' like the spanner I am”), with no evidence of structured planning or a desire for tight organization. Putting it together—introspective media deep-dives, abstract thematic thinking, blunt logical critique, and a laid-back, spontaneous approach—INTP fits best.

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Your new Twitter bio
Max Payne enjoyer, Star Trek/Doctor Who quoter, PS3 necromancer. Once cried at a loading screen song and called it character development.– @Jacket87226195

Your signature cocktail
This strong, slightly bitter, slightly sweet drink channels Cole’s love of bleak, stylish heroes and late-night gaming marathons. The high-proof rye is the hard-bitten noir core, straight out of Max Payne and Spec Ops, inspired by his replay hype for Max: “It's time for another fucking play through of Max Payne 3, let's rock 'n' roll.” The cold brew keeps it wired and sleepless, like someone about to prove a point to a sibling: “My brother just said he could whoop me at SF4, little cunt doesn't know the magnitude of the whoopass I'm about to deliver...” Campari brings in that sharp, haunting bitterness that mirrors him getting wrecked emotionally by Max Payne’s ‘Tears’: “shit gets me bawling in the club. I have honestly missed out on not playing Max Payne 3 sooner.” The smoked salt caramel syrup nods to his thoughtful, almost sentimental side under all the swearing, like when he dives into The Grand Budapest Hotel and sees themes of time and legacy: “I personally can't help but see something about the passage of Time and what we leave behind”. Finally, the orange twist gives a bright, dramatic flair—because his feed mixes righteous media takes and theatrical nerd passion, from Star Trek monologues to dunking on Snyder fans: “how stupid can the snyderbots be?”.

Your Hogwarts House
Cole shows a strong Gryffindor streak through brash confidence, emotional intensity, and a tendency to charge in headfirst. Their attitude toward their brother in Street Fighter is a classic competitive, combative Gryffindor vibe: “My brother just said he could whoop me at SF4, little cunt doesn't know the magnitude of the whoopass I'm about to deliver from the pearly gates”. They respond to online toxicity not by withdrawing, but by escalating and confronting it, saying they’ll make it someone else’s problem: “I'm simply going to have to make it the issue of whatever poor pleb is in front if me.”. Their love for tragic, hard‑hitting stories like Max Payne 3 and Spec Ops: The Line focuses on emotional impact and moral struggle, e.g. “absolutely destroyed me” and “good fucking god what. A. Game.”, which fits Gryffindor’s attraction to intense, high-stakes narratives. Even their bio, “Half as long, twice as bright, right?”, suggests a willingness to burn brightly and recklessly rather than play it safe, a very Gryffindor approach to life.

Your movie

Your song
A fitting song for Cole is “Hurt” by Johnny Cash, because it blends bleak introspection with a rough-edged resilience that matches his tone. He has a strong emotional reaction to tragic, heavy narratives like Max Payne 3, saying “Tears honestly has no reason to hit like a truck thrown by The Hulk™, shit gets me bawling in the club” and describing how the airport sequence “absolutely destroyed me”. His bio, “Half as long, twice as bright, right?”, carries that same self-aware, fatalistic edge that runs through the song’s themes of regret and weariness. He gravitates toward grim, reflective media like Spec Ops: The Line—“good fucking god what. A. Game.”—and calls Dying Light 1 the perfect zombie game for its “hopeless dread,” echoing the way Hurt sits with pain instead of escaping it. Even when he jokes about being more miserable online—“I'm simply going to have to make it the issue of whatever poor pleb is in front if me”—there’s that same sardonic, world-weary voice that Cash’s cover embodies.

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