Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Academic Excellence: Maintains a “4.0 GPA” despite his chaotic social life and frequent drinking.
- Loyal Fanbase: Cultivated a following that views him as the “#1 source of #WVU news” and analysis.
- Self-Deprecating Humor: Willingly mocks himself by hoping he is “not just a retard” to his audience but a friend.
- Creative Storytelling: Constructs vivid, surreal narratives like being “stuck inside a Jennifer Garner Capital One commercial”.
- School Spirit: Demonstrates deep pride in West Virginia, calling it “absolutely beautiful” and mocking rivals.
Weaknesses:
- Substance Abuse: Admitted to posting “90% of my posts when I’m either driving or drinking”.
- Offensive Language: Uses slurs and provocative phrases such as “SIEG HEIL” and various derogatory terms.
- Gambling Addiction: Encourages risky behavior by telling followers to “put your paycheck on the mammoth”.
- Reckless Behavior: Boasts about property damage, like when he “smashed a full bottle of Budweiser” over a stranger's head.
- Poor Impulse Control: Admits to experiencing “post nut clarity” only after hitting the post button.
Your Simpsons character
Barney Gumble
Like Barney Gumble, pokeywvu is defined by a high-functioning yet chaotic relationship with alcohol and a prideful attachment to local dive bar culture. He often tweets from a state of total intoxication, once claiming, “I post 90% of my posts when I’m either driving or drinking”, and describes his lifestyle as getting “drunk until it’s concerning”. Despite the binge drinking, he possesses a surprising level of intellect or competence similar to Barney's occasional moments of brilliance, noting that he has “had a 4.0 since” he started drinking. His surreal, hallucinogenic humor and self-deprecating admissions that he is a “white boy with a bit of whimsy” perfectly mirror the tragicomedy of Springfield’s most lovable town drunk.
Your MBTI personality Type
ESTP
Pokey exhibits strong Extroversion by constantly documenting his presence at bars and gyms, noting “I’m headed to the bar then going to smoke enough weed...”. His Sensing trait is evident in his focus on immediate physical sensations and concrete surroundings, such as describing his “size 13 shoes” and “nicotine poisoning” while at a game. He favors Thinking over Feeling, often using blunt, irreverent, and provocative humor, seen when he admits, “I post 90% of my posts when I’m either driving or drinking”. Finally, his Perceiving nature is highlighted by a spontaneous, chaotic lifestyle where he describes being “stuck inside a Jennifer Garner Capital One commercial” after eating mushrooms, showing a total lack of structured planning.
Some pickup lines for you
- Are you a white Monster in a stolen glass from Sports Page? Because you’re exactly the kind of bad influence I’ve been looking for.
- I promise I’m more than just a ‘stranger’ to your ‘thing’—want to skip the orgy scene and just grab a beer at Fat Daddy’s?
- Is your name Mountaineer Magic? Because you've got me feeling super itchy and aggressive for your phone number.
- I won’t even make you wear a shock collar, but I’d definitely ‘lock in’ and watch the Chip 'n Dale movie on repeat with you.
- You don't need a rope and a stool to spend time with me—how about we just go to Sheetz and hunt for some tomato beers instead?
Your 5 Emojis
Your new Twitter bio
West Virginia University alum & avid Mountaineers analyst. Known for achieving a 4.0 GPA through unconventional methods and once throwing shoes onto a power line.– @pokeywvu
Your signature cocktail
The Mountaineer Magic & Misery
This cocktail captures the chaotic spirit of a man who claims “I’m probably the first person to ever drink a white monster out of a stolen glass from Sports Page in Florida”. The high-proof bourbon and Monster reflect his dangerous energy level, as he admits “I post 90% of my posts when I’m either driving or drinking”. The bitter IPA splash honors his hatred for the Steelers, while the 'magic' bitters represent the sketchy find from the “hot dog vape shop near Qdoba” that makes him 'itchy and aggressive.' It is a strong, experimental mess served to someone who feels like “the serpent in the garden w nicotine poisoning”.
Your Hogwarts House
Gryffindor
Pokey exhibits the classic Gryffindor trait of impulsiveness and a penchant for chaotic action, famously claiming he “promptly yelled ‘mountaineers’ and then smashed a full bottle of Budweiser over [a Buckeyes fan's] head”. His bravery often manifests as reckless bravado, whether it's “jumping to break a folding table” and hitting concrete or admitting he posts “90% of my posts when I’m either driving or drinking”. He shows an unyielding, almost chivalrous loyalty to his school, West Virginia University, declaring himself the “#1 source of #WVU news”. Ultimately, his lifestyle of high-stakes gambling and “drinking until it’s concerning” reflects the 'nerve' and 'daring'—albeit misplaced—of a true Gryffindor.
Your movie
Your song
Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks
This song perfectly mirrors the chaotic, blue-collar, beer-soaked lifestyle of a West Virginia University student who finds solace in rowdy dive bars and questionable decisions. The lyrics about showing up in boots and ruining a black-tie affair resonate with his aggressive local pride, such as when he claims he “smashed a full bottle of Budweiser over” an opposing fan's head. His self-deprecating humor about his social standing, admitting “I hope I’m not just a retard to you guys but a friend too”, aligns with the song's theme of embracing one's unpolished identity. Ultimately, his preference for being “at fats” or getting “drunk until it’s concerning” embodies the spirit of a man who is much more comfortable in a college town gutter than anywhere sophisticated.
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