Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Creative artistic skill: Regularly creates and shares original art, edits, and paper puppets as seen when they post artwork despite art block.
- Vast musical knowledge: Demonstrates deep familiarity with metal history, correcting others on album releases and lyrical themes.
- High engagement level: Actively interacts with their community through polls about band members and gimmick requests.
- Self-motivated learner: Shows dedication to personal hobbies by learning guitar chords for specific songs.
- Candid self-expression: Maintains an honest and unfiltered personality, even when mocking their own screen time.
Weaknesses:
- Poor emotional regulation: Frequently displays intense anger over minor inconveniences, such as heavy snowfall.
- Chronic procrastination: Struggles with finishing projects, admitting they never finish writing anything because they'd rather just read it.
- Social media addiction: Self-identifies as a 'chud' after spending six hours on Instagram in one day.
- Short-tempered communication: Admits they would tell people to die if they became a celebrity and found fans annoying.
- Reckless social habits: Openly shares confidential family drama, such as telling parents about a cousin's breakup before the cousin knew.
Your Simpsons character
Lisa Simpson
Despite being 15, this user shares Lisa's deep passion for music, creative arts, and a cynical, intellectually frustrated outlook on their environment. They often vent about school and social injustice, like when they called out a classmate for being politically insensitive: “this dumbshit in my class trying to name good things trump has done... YOU ARE TALKING TO TWO MEXICAN MEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING”. Like Lisa's obsession with jazz, this user is a dedicated metal devotee, expressing pure joy over their favorite band: “when i hear that #one part in phantom lord i start shaking because its so good and i love it.”. They also possess Lisa's perfectionist streak and artistic drive, complaining that “how the hell do my shitposts get 1000x more likes than my actual art and edits i put work into”. Ultimately, their blend of high-brow musical knowledge, constant creative output, and a feeling of being an outsider in their own house makes them a perfect match for the middle Simpson child.
Your MBTI personality Type
INFP
Kellan exhibits Introversion through his focus on solitary hobbies and social anxiety, noting that “school has been killing me” and admitting he'd “start telling people to fuck off and die” if he were a celebrity. His Intuition is evident in his vivid dream life, such as imagining a “10 feet tall” guitar player named Tartan, and his deep engagement with fictional OCs and fanfiction. He lean toward Feeling, expressing intense emotional reactions to music and art, often using strings of emojis like “😭😭😭😭😭😭🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹” to convey his internal state. Finally, his Perceiving nature is shown by his struggle with structure and deadlines, admitting to “awful art block” and a tendency to “never finish anything” because he prefers the process over the completion.
Some pickup lines for you
- Are you the breakdown riff in Phantom Lord? Because every time I hear you, I start shaking because you’re just that good.
- I promise I’m more reliable than your favorite fanfic—I’ll never stop updating you on how much I like you.
- Is your name Lars? Because even though you're shorter than me, I'd still let you play me like a drum kit (and I won't even mention the St. Anger snare).
- I’d survive 15 inches of Midwestern snow and a 4-paragraph essay for art class just to be the one you post about at 3 AM when your engagement is low.
- I’m not Tartan from your dream, but I can be the guy who actually shows up in reality to help you finish those OCs you're too lazy to write.
Your 5 Emojis
Your new Twitter bio
Midwest-based artist and guitarist. When I’m not writing 4-page essays for art class or dodging 15 inches of snow, I’m probably listening to Metallica on vinyl.– @return0ftherats
Your signature cocktail
The 15-Inch Midwestern Meltdown
This drink captures the chaotic energy of a 15-year-old artist trapped in a hangar during a snowstorm. The massive amount of ice reflects their frustration with the “15 INCHES. FIFTEEN. INCHES.” accumulation in their “STUPID MIDWESTERN LIFE,” while the heavy salt rim honors the struggle of someone who “woke up early to do my eyeliner” only for it to rub off. The complex, bitter notes represent the creative exhaustion of “WRITING 4 PARAGRAPH ESSAYS FOR AN ART CLASS,” balanced by the electric blue sweetness of their obsession with 'Klars.' It’s a loud, experimental concoction for someone who would “start telling people to fuck off and die” if they were a celebrity.
Your Hogwarts House
Ravenclaw
Kellan demonstrates the Ravenclaw hallmarks of creativity and eccentric wit through their prolific output of original characters and fan art, often noting that “how the hell do my shitposts get 1000x more likes than my actual art and edits i put work into”. Their analytical side is frequently on display when they fact-check music history, such as correcting a timeline error with “extremely loud incorrect buzzer creeping death was on ride the lightning in 1984 not master of puppets in 1986”. Kellan’s intellectual curiosity extends to their creative process, whether they are making “paper puppets of my ocs” or venting about the frustrations of finishing a story because they “love reading my own stuff but its never ever finished”. This blend of artistic obsession, historical precision, and a unique personal vision aligns them perfectly with the house of the eagle.
Your movie
Your song
Seek & Destroy - Metallica
This song perfectly encapsulates the high-energy, chaotic, and Metallica-obsessed world of a 15-year-old fan living in the Midwest. The user spends their time “learning she loves you on guitar” and spiraling into intense fan-focused rants, such as when they claim “im gonna start hurting people really bad oh my god kirk look at him”. Their digital presence is a mix of creative 'destruction' through art and self-deprecating humor, often complaining that “my shitposts get 1000x more likes than my actual art”. Ultimately, their aggressive passion for the band and their tendency to “start telling people to fuck off and die if they got 1% too annoying” mirrors the raw, thrash-metal spirit of the track.
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