
Strengths and Weaknesses

Your Simpsons character
They’re most like Bart Simpson: chaotic, darkly funny, self-destructive, and constantly masking vulnerability with jokes. Their timeline is full of gross-out humor and oversharing, like “tmi I just pooped and went down a bmi point” and “I just trusted a fart and yup you guessed it. Diarrhoea.”, which fits Bart’s crude, impulsive style. At the same time, there’s a lot of pain and nihilism under the jokes, like “⭐️ving is way easier when your intent is to kys 💪” and “I’m lowkey scared to take my antidepressants because a big part of my ed is that I want to die from it”, echoing Bart’s hidden sadness when he feels unloved or lost. Their attention-seeking, slightly cocky edge shows in posts like “when im thin im gonna post sooo many bodychecks ima be so annoying 🙏” and “In like 2022... I was both the one with the lowest bmi and the one who lost the most weight 💪 miss that era tbh”, which mirrors Bart’s need to be the most outrageous one in the room. Finally, their mix of rebellion and self-sabotage—questioning meds, extreme fasting, romanticizing their disorder—parallels Bart constantly pushing boundaries even when it hurts him.

Your MBTI personality Type
They lean Introvert (I): they often feel isolated and disconnected despite being around people, like in “I’m surrounded by people but I don’t feel like I have friends”, and spend a lot of time in their head with anxiety and body-checking, e.g. “My mirror watching me lift up my shirt and turn to the side for the 976th time”. Their focus is strongly Intuitive (N): they constantly spin metaphors and generalized ideas from experiences, such as “The last stroke makes you nut but that doesn’t mean the first was useless. Same goes for weight loss 🙂↕️ many such cases” and conceptual, future-oriented body ideals like “Life if I was 40kg”. They are clearly Feeling (F)-dominated: their decisions revolve around emotions, self-worth, and relationships, seen in “How long does it take to get over a break up because it’s been 10 months and I still think about her every day” and the way a 0.1kg change triggers suicidal ideation in “I gained 0.1kg while eating 400cals and 15k steps therefore I should kms”. Their lifestyle reads as Perceiving (P): they oscillate between impulsive fasts and sudden changes, like “Forced to break my fast at 90hours with soup 🫤” and the mantra-like but not structurally planned “I will lose 10kg this month I will lose 10kg this month…”, showing more chaotic, adaptable behavior than strict long-term organization. The mix of intense inner emotional life, self-exploration, idealized future self, and somewhat chaotic coping patterns most closely matches INFP.

Some pickup lines for you

Your 5 Emojis
Your new Twitter bio
17 • Sydney-ish • autistic overthinker w/ hyperthyroidism • once trusted a fart & met my villain origin story • opinions & oversharing are my own– @wagyukalz

Your signature cocktail
The Speedrun Side Profile is a sharp, chaotic mix that matches their fast-cut, all‑or‑nothing mindset and constant BMI brain: from “Before I joined sh spaces online I only slow cutted. I didn’t know you could go fast” to “I will lose 10kg this month I will lose 10kg this month…”. The chili‑pepper vodka brings the 🔥 of being an “autistic 🔥🔥🦅” with hyperthyroid jitter, plus that slightly masochistic edge from “Forced to break my fast at 90hours with soup 🫤”. Sour apple liqueur gives it a tart, teenager-bitterness that fits tweets like “Anyone else feel too fat to be apart of society? I just want to hide in my room all day lol” and the lingering breakup ache in “How long does it take to get over a break up because it’s been 10 months and I still think about her every day ”. Sugar-free energy drink is the SPEEDRUN fuel, echoing “SPEEDRUNNING RN” and their 10k‑steps, Beat Saber grind in “Begging yall to stop investing in those walking pads and to buy a cheap secondhand vr and play beat saber 😭 it burns so many cals !!”. The saline splash nods to blood tests, meds, and hospital vibes from “IM SO SICK OF MEDS I DONT WANT TO REMEMBER TO TAKE 10+ PILLS A DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!” and “When I purged last night… there was blood erm am I gonna die?”. Finally, a lemon peel twist makes it look clean and sharp—like the thin side profile they crave in “I just want a thin side profile like this😔”—but still hides a messy, intense kick underneath.

Your Hogwarts House
The strongest throughline in @wagyukalz’s posts is intense ambition and a relentless, results-focused mindset about weight and body image. They repeatedly set extreme, quantifiable goals like “I will lose 5kg by Halloween 🙏🙏”, “I will lose 10kg this month I will lose 10kg this month…”, and celebrate rapid losses with “I lost a kilogram in 2 days 😼 best ana award goes to meeeeeee!!”, which shows a classic Slytherin drive to push further and be the ‘best’ at something, even self-destructively. They also think strategically about methods, not just outcomes: suggesting using piercings as a weight-loss tactic in “if I get snake bites that means my mouth will hurt too much to eat and I’ll lose weight effortlessly” and turning chores and gaming into calculated tools in “I can’t eat till I’ve vacuumed and mopped the whole house and washed the dishes 💪” and “buy a cheap secondhand vr and play beat saber 😭 it burns so many cals !!”. Even their darker jokes reveal a ruthless, self-directed edge: “⭐️ving is way easier when your intent is to kys 💪” and “want to lose weight? just imagine them with someone skinnier… (kills self over and over)” show a willingness to weaponize pain as motivation. While there are moments of vulnerability and some encouragement to others (e.g. “Pick up those weights girl”), the dominant pattern is ambitious, outcome-obsessed, and creatively resourceful in pursuit of goals—hallmarks of Slytherin more than any other house.

Your movie

Your song
A fitting song for them is BORN THIS WAY by Lady Gaga, because it meshes their chaotic humor, gender questioning, and neurodivergent pride with an underlying struggle for self-acceptance. Their bio (“male? | ikea fanboy | I fb! | autistic 🔥🔥🦅 hyperthyroidism 🦅🔥💪 | SPEEDRUNNING RN”) already hints at playing with identity while owning what makes them different. Tweets like “Anyone else feel too fat to be apart of society? I just want to hide in my room all day lol” and “I’ve been only wearing hoodies and pants for the past 5 6 years of my life bc I feel too fat to wear nice clothes. It’s really depressing tbh 😔✊” show the insecurity and body-image pain that mirror the song’s themes of wanting to feel okay in your own skin. At the same time, they show flashes of defiant confidence, like “I lost a kilogram in 2 days 😼 best ana award goes to meeeeeee!!” and “when im thin im gonna post sooo many bodychecks ima be so annoying 🙏”, which resonate with the song’s fierce, almost theatrical energy. Their mix of dark humor about suffering (“⭐️ving is way easier when your intent is to kys 💪”) and longing for connection (“I’m surrounded by people but I don’t feel like I have friends”) makes an anthem about radical self-love and survival especially apt. Born This Way doesn’t describe where they are right now so much as the loud, dramatic, queer-coded, self-accepting version of themselves they’re clearly orbiting around.

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